Growth mindset - an unexpected parenting manual
I didn’t hear the term ‘growth mindset’ until I was in my mid-30s, when my kids were already in school. It first caught my attention in a TED talk by Carol Dweck (who coined the term based on her research - see the links at the end), and soon after, as my mind honed in on it, I realised that my daughter had brought home growth mindset resources from school too. This was a well recognised concept in education, who knew?! Suddenly, it felt like I’d been handed an instruction manual for parenting—one I hadn’t known how much I desperately needed.
Motherhood shifted my world on it’s axis, as it does for many. The realisation of the depths of my naivety about just how much it was going to change me and my life hit me hard from the very start. I had always known that I wanted children, in fact I had even picked my physio career with that in mind, as I knew it would give me flexibility for the school runs and enable me to work part time… (I do love a bit of forward planning!). But, as evidenced by my career rationale, I thrived on structure and control (type A personality? Yep!). I liked knowing what ‘good’ looked like, setting goals, and ticking off achievements.
Cue MASSIVE shock.
From the moment my first baby arrived (actually no - let’s be real, from the moment I was induced and went into labour!), I found myself drowning in the realisation that parenthood wasn’t something I could control, predict, or plan for—at least, not in the way I had imagined.
I had taken my NCT classes seriously (like any self-respecting prospective parent—haha!), absorbing all the theory (especially the evolutionary theories about feeding on demand - I mean, I can’t let go of that Biology degree, it had to come in handy somewhere surely?!). But in reality, my baby didn’t behave like the theoretical babies should. She had her own ideas for sure (must be a good thing - strong sense of autonomy from the get go!). Of course, I initially assumed the issue was me. I hadn’t read enough, hadn’t prepared properly, hadn’t figured out the secret formula. The weight of it all led to a pretty dark hole for a while. I won’t go into the darkest moments here, but I am always open to talk to anyone who wants to know. Postnatal depression, and, with baby number two, anxiety, were bitter pills to swallow when prior to that I had worked hard and achieved whatever I set out to do, albeit with a lot of hard work (oh and did I mention planning?!). This just wasn’t working out quite how I had expected.
And then along came ‘growth mindset’.
It opened my eyes to something so simple, yet life-changing—I didn’t need to parent perfectly; I just needed to hold onto these principles and steer the parenting ship as best I could. And let’s be honest here, in parenting there's no clear destination or endpoint, no ‘land’ to sail towards. There’s just an endless sea of doing the best you can and navigating whatever the waves and weather throw at you.
There literally is no ‘perfect’ child, no perfect parent. Every parent trying their hardest to mindfully raise good humans will get things wrong, will miss things, will make choices that lead to unexpected consequences. And that has to be okay.
“I can’t do it ‘yet’” became our mantra for a while, as did “we are independent women”!! Add to that a healthy dose of the term “good enough” (thank you therapist!), and I found I could embrace the idea of good enough—for all of us. Hold on to the belief that you can tackle anything, you don’t always get it right, but trying it in the first place is a victory in itself and every time you try you learn.
Intentional art - using photography to craft a story of growth
So how does this connect to photography?
Let me paint a picture of a childhood where photography becomes a visual reminder of your own growth mindset—not as an abstract concept, but as a lived experience.
Imagine a childhood in which the images your parents invested in and have on display, portray you as ‘the kind of person’ who explores, experiments, and gets stuck in - embracing adventure. Not only this, but you have absolute, unshakable confidence that this is what your Mum and Dad value the most. They love you whatever mess and mistakes you make. They love your whole messy, imperfect self. In fact, you are most connected to them when you are exploring the world together and trying new things.
Now imagine a series of framed photographs of you on the wall of your home - your own family art gallery. These beautiful images document your story. They form thread of tradition, an annual ritual that your family treasures. A chance to laugh, to try something new, to capture your favorite adventures and activities, each chapter of family life. These photographs document a joyful, sparkling narrative of the life you live and the person you are growing up to be and you can see yourself growing each year.
First there is the one of Dad sat on the dining table, holding you in his hands, staring at you, a tiny baby - in love and in awe - just a week after you were born.
At age one you are stood at your sand table in the sunshine in just your nappy, the sun glistening on the wet sand that you are watching as it drips through your clenched fingers.
At age two you are dripping with wet mud in your bright yellow puddle suit and spotty wellies, jumping in puddles in the rain.
At three - you have cake mix in your hair and round your mouth and you’re proudly making Mum take a big bite from your ‘bake off’ masterpiece, it’s covered in bright green icing and many, many sprinkles.
At four - your freckled face grins behind the handful of garden soil you are holding up to the camera- a worm sat proudly on top.
At five - you are cartwheeling in the shallows on the beach, a gaudy hot pink swimsuit, sandy legs in the air and salty hair in your eyes… Your little sister looking on in awe in the background;
At six, you and your sister sit side by side in the rocket ship you have built from a huge cardboard box, paper space helmets wedged on your heads, boosters at the ready.
These pictures stretch on into the future. Growing, trying things, learning, exploring, connecting. Not a carefully crafted, colour coordinated outfit in sight. No formal poses and carefully combed hair. Raw, real, unshakeable proof:
- I am loved when I am exploring, growing and connecting;
- I am free to experiment, create, dream and take risks;
- When I try for long enough, I can learn to do tricky things (by tricky I include cartwheels - I mean honestly I still can’t cartwheel!!).
A journey to your future - the power of a picture
That visual story - the photographs you grow up with - becomes part of who you are. A visual affirmation of your growth mindset. A visual affirmation that this is what your Mum and Dad value the most.
And when you turn 18? That story is bound into a beautiful book - the story of you growing up. All that you have learnt to be is right there for you - a solid reminder as you go and take on the world - that with the right mindset, you can be whatever you want to be, and if you ever forget, when times get tough, you just need to look back at those pages and go for it.
Steering the ship: the beauty of 'yet'
I still often refer to that leaflet from the Infant School, the one that consolidated ‘growth mindset’ as my mantra. So I’m leaving some key take away words here for you as a guiding light for your parenting journey...
Initiative
Resilience
Ambition
Empathy
Collaboration
Risk-taking
Perseverance
Flexibility of mind
And most of all - the power of ‘yet’ - “I can’t do it yet”...
I mean, honestly, if you can see these traits in someone, they’ve got to have it all going for them right?! Could these be your family values?
With this values-based approach, I am still crossing my fingers, steering this ship and hoping that my (now not-so-little) humans grow up believing they can do anything they set their minds to and can navigate life with confidence and kindness. Because, in the end, there truly is no ‘perfect’ to strive for. We are all unique, each of us a special mix of qualities and experiences. And that’s more than enough.
PS It seems to be going well so far - at 11 and 14 they are great company, often reminding me of my own lessons and preaching back my parenting principles if I slip up (which I still do!!). But I’m ok with that, in fact I love it!
PPS Here are some images from my real life from my girls growing up, taken on my phone. I treasure these photos of the girls but I had no camera then. I truly, truly wish I had high resolution, good quality photos of these moments that would stand being blown up for my walls. Art rather than snapshots. The time has passed and I can't go back. Don't get me wrong, I'm so grateful for the memories and the images I have, but I do deeply wish I could have known then what I realise now and captured these moments differently.
Invest! In a photoshoot or a camera! These moments are absolute treasure but you realise this more the further you go through life... and then it is too late!
